Divorce

How Not to Communicate With Your Children After Divorce

December 12, 2012 | by Blair & Kim, PLLC

Divorced parents are often advised on ways to connect with their children after divorce. This recent article from helpguide.org is no different: it provides some time-tested ways to connect with your kids. This type of article can be very helpful when a parent is feeling their parent-child communication strained. However, a less talked about, less written about topic is what not to talk about with your kids during or after your divorce proceedings. Often, is it just as important to not say the wrong things as it is to say the right things.

One example of how not to communicate with your children is to use them as a messenger between you and your ex. This is especially true when the messages you are asking to be conveyed involve a contentious issue. When parents do this the child has to carry the stress of worrying about whatever reaction your ex may have or letting you down by failing to deliver the message. Instead, if possible, communicate with your spouse directly (in writing if necessary).

Another (unfortunately) common mistake parents make is to have conversations with other people regarding the status of their divorce, or how terrible their ex is, within the hearing distance of their children. As every parent who has let a swear word slip out under their breath knows, kids hear everything we say – especially when we don’t want them to hear it. The minute they hear you say your ex’s name, their little ears zero in. As such, keep your vent sessions limited to times when the child is residing with the other parent, or when you can have a babysitter and head out with a friend or adult family member.

Preparing for Divorce: The Importance of Financial Knowledge

November 27, 2012 | by Blair & Kim, PLLC

In almost every divorce, financial information is exchanged between the parties. Whether it be informally listing assets and debts and dividing them between spouses, or a more involved and organized discovery process whereby account statements, financial declarations, professional valuations, interrogatories, etc. are exchanged, or a process somewhere in-between, it is an important to know enough about your financial circumstances that you are able to make a sound decision.

In our experience, most cases necessitate, as a bare minimum, a financial declaration to be submitted by both parties. This document requires parties to describe their expenses, debts, and assets, in six pages. When asked to fill out a financial declaration or just answer some preliminary financial questions, clients are often surprised how little they know about their current financial situation. In many marriages, a couple delegates to one spouse or the other responsibility for paying bills, investing for retirement, purchasing life insurance, filing taxes, etc. When this occurs, the party not delegated to do these tasks is often left (albeit usually unintentionally) in the dark regarding finances. In these cases, it becomes especially important for us to use various discovery methods that become available after a petition is filed to discover the information the in-the-dark client is missing.

However, there are things that can be done prior to the petition even being filed that can help a person anticipating dissolution of their marriage. First, look at the financial declaration and start taking notice (and taking notes) of the requested information each month. Second, speak with a family law attorney regarding the best way to prepare yourself financially for the filing (or receiving service) of a petition for dissolution (be sure to tell your attorney if you are afraid that the other party may try and hide assets if/when a petition is filed). Your family law attorney will also help you design a discovery plan based on your financial circumstances. Third, if your financial acuity is lacking, find a way to give yourself a quick financial education. There are many websites that provide explanations for financial terms, types of assets and accounts, etc. The more you know about your financial situation the better prepared you will be to make educated decisions regarding your financial future. Our family law attorneys are ready to assist you in this process.

Connecting With Your Children: How a Personalized Parenting Plan Can Help

November 20, 2012 | by Blair & Kim, PLLC

In a recent article, “How to Connect With School-Aged Children When You’re Separated or Divorced,” in The Huffington Post’s divorce section, Naomi E. Goldstein, Ph.D. discusses the difficulty and importance of connecting with children after divorce. In that article, she posits that it is especially difficult for divorced parents to connect with children as they enter elementary and middle school years. As family law attorneys, we have had firsthand experience helping our clients, with children of all ages, maintain their parent/child connections in the face of a changing family structure.

In fact, it is our understanding of this difficult reality that drives us to draft parenting plans that are as personalized as possible. As part of our process, we encourage our clients to think about ways they connected with their children prior to separation. Then we strategize how those ways may be maintained or even expanded through a well-drafted, personalized, parenting plan. For example, if you bond with your kids by coaching or watching their sporting events, but you are not the primary parent, we might draft a plan with provisions allowing for you to coach or watch events during the other parent’s residential time with the child. Or, if you have a special tradition (ex. a yearly camping trip the first weekend after school releases for the summer) we might draft a plan that allows you and your child to continue your yearly ritual.

In the absence of extenuating circumstances, maintaining a connected parent/child relationship with both parents should be the goal of drafting a parenting plan. Parenting plans are not one size fits all. Let us help you make a parenting plan that keeps you and your children connected.